Welcome to the Yappin' Zone

This is a work in progress (as you can see)

I hope to make this page have individual posts and possibly the ability for visitors to comment and interact with them. We'll see how it goes lol, I hate Javascript. I don't even know if neocities can use Javascript.

3/22/2025

Been working on this site here and there for a couple weeks now, I work a lot so I don't have a ton of free time to spend on it, and when I do I usually spend it vegetating on the couch instead. I looked through some other people's sites today to get some inspiration, new ways to organize and fill out my own site (there's a lot of empty space right now), but I can't help but feel like there's no way I can do the things everyone else can. And it isn't even things like technical skill, it just comes down to creativity. I feel like once upon a time maybe I could have made an awesome, colorful, fun site like I see on neocities, but now? I feel like I spent all my life smoothing myself out and now there's nothing left of the real me.

I've been thinking a lot about the difference in me and my younger self. I have all these games from my childhood, carefully lined up, organized, but I barely ever feel like playing them. It feels wrong. They should be played with, that's what they're made for. And I do love these games, I know I do. But I've barely ever touched them. I was too young to play them before, and now I feel too... burnt out. charred away. I just can't get enthralled by these worlds any more. I try not to pressure myself to have fun in a certain way... but sometimes I feel like if I had the choice I would just lay down and discorporate.

Usually I feel pretty good about my autism. Some days I hate it more than anything. Being auDHD is such a mind fuck sometimes. I will go months eating the same meals every day, looking forward to them, savoring the same texture and flavor as always. And then wake up one day and the thought of eating anything remotely similar to anything I've ever had before makes me sick. It's frustrating. I spend all this time setting myself up so that I can actually eat, and then some days my body/brain just decides. Nah. We ain't doin' that. Similarly, I get sick and tired of my daily life. I get feverish about it. I know I'm being a bad Buddhist when this happens but I just spiral without realizing I am trying to get away from something. I drown it out all day with TV, music, never letting anything get through. But then I get so bored and my brain gets so fried that it inevitably leaks through. I need to just sit with the feeling. And be nicer to myself. Which sometimes means making myself take care of myself even when I don't want to. Bleh.