Welcome to the Yappin' Zone

This is a work in progress (as you can see)

I hope to make this page have individual posts and possibly the ability for visitors to comment and interact with them. We'll see how it goes lol, I hate Javascript. I don't even know if neocities can use Javascript.

3/22/2025

Been working on this site here and there for a couple weeks now, I work a lot so I don't have a ton of free time to spend on it, and when I do I usually spend it vegetating on the couch instead. I looked through some other people's sites today to get some inspiration, new ways to organize and fill out my own site (there's a lot of empty space right now), but I can't help but feel like there's no way I can do the things everyone else can. And it isn't even things like technical skill, it just comes down to creativity. I feel like once upon a time maybe I could have made an awesome, colorful, fun site like I see on neocities, but now? I feel like I spent all my life smoothing myself out and now there's nothing left of the real me.

I've been thinking a lot about the difference in me and my younger self. I have all these games from my childhood, carefully lined up, organized, but I barely ever feel like playing them. It feels wrong. They should be played with, that's what they're made for. And I do love these games, I know I do. But I've barely ever touched them. I was too young to play them before, and now I feel too... burnt out. charred away. I just can't get enthralled by these worlds any more. I try not to pressure myself to have fun in a certain way... but sometimes I feel like if I had the choice I would just lay down and discorporate.

Usually I feel pretty good about my autism. Some days I hate it more than anything. Being auDHD is such a mind fuck sometimes. I will go months eating the same meals every day, looking forward to them, savoring the same texture and flavor as always. And then wake up one day and the thought of eating anything remotely similar to anything I've ever had before makes me sick. It's frustrating. I spend all this time setting myself up so that I can actually eat, and then some days my body/brain just decides. Nah. We ain't doin' that. Similarly, I get sick and tired of my daily life. I get feverish about it. I know I'm being a bad Buddhist when this happens but I just spiral without realizing I am trying to get away from something. I drown it out all day with TV, music, never letting anything get through. But then I get so bored and my brain gets so fried that it inevitably leaks through. I need to just sit with the feeling. And be nicer to myself. Which sometimes means making myself take care of myself even when I don't want to. Bleh.

4/11/2025

Today my thoughts are on spontaneity. I keep finding myself craving it, mostly in regards to how I act. I envy the way that I see people move through the world with no pretense. They just exist and are. I feel I spend a lot of time trying to explain myself, everything about myself, to everyone, all the time. I know it's directly because of my trauma, and that a lot of the time, part of being true and kind to myself is to just do my thing how it makes me comfortable, even when that thing is managing other people or their expectations. I just need to be mindful of when it is stressing me more than soothing me.

Anyway, as I sit here working on my website, I find myself falling back into constricting myself. The site has to make sense, the layout accessible to everyone, and my thoughts neat and tidy and consumable. It must be palatable. But perhaps the thing I love most about other sites - other people - is the way they function like a photo. A capture of a moment, pretense and explanation not always included. Getting to peer into another's world and expand on your own.

Been feeling kinda crazy and wound up in the past couple months, but I think I'm coming out of it now. It happens every once and awhile, work gets hard for a bit, I'm more tired than usual, the routine begins to slacken, things fall by the way side and then it's been 2 months of wasting money on eating out instead of cooking and it's time to pick yourself back up before the deadlines and rent are due. It's funny how every time it feels like I've got it for sure, and then it just happens again. That's life. I know it is. But it's still funny. I am aware of the hole I am in, but I may not have the strength to climb out at the moment. Let me nap in the puddle for a bit, and I'll come out when I'm ready.

I've also been thinking about the ego and the self, sort of related to how I restrict and sanitize myself for the world. It suddenly struck me the other day as I was riding the bus and looking out the window how and why people enjoy wearing lots of different clothing styles, even day to day. See, ever since I officially became a furry (when I got the chance to try on my friends fursuit head for the first time) I've started realizing how awesome it would be to be able to dress up as some kind of character even in day to day life. Whether that be a fursuit or a cosplay or something more akin to a video game skin, the thought keeps coming back to me. A big part of it obviously is autism, I ahve a hard time with being looked at and wearing a mask helps immensly and also I like my blorbos and it would be cool to have them walk around in real life. But I think what was new this time was thinking of it in terms of hiding vs. expression. A mask does both, and depending on how it is used, can show deeper truths than is capable of the bare face. I wonder how much easier it would be for me to be social if I could portray myself the way I wished, whether that be with a single expression-ed fursuit head or some kind of cartoon logic body that lets me emote in sillier, more palatable ways. Human emotions are scary, they come with all these stakes. If I offend you, I am in for a real punishment. But if I were some silly creature, there's a cushion there. I'm expected to act goofy. I'm expected to make mistakes, and to be forgiven for them, because nobody would expect malice of me. This is very psychologically revealing.